Christian Grey certainly makes being a dom easy, but there’s more to it than just looking dashing and always being in control.

If you’ve just recently discovered the world of BDSM and want to be a dom, then this guide is for you. From the things your sub wants to hear and the mistakes you need to avoid, we’ll share with you some tips on how you can be a great dom. By the end of this article, you’ll learn what to say to a submissive to keep her happy but still keep your authority at the same time.

Understanding BDSM: Learning the Lingo

Before diving headfirst into the BDSM world, you first need to understand the language. Here are some of the most important lingo and acronyms you need to know to navigate the BDSM world successfully.

  • D/s - Dominant/submissive
  • Dominant - The person who has authority and power in a BDSM scene or relationship
  • Dom - A male dominant
  • Domina - A female dominant who embraces a feminine gender role
  • Submissive (sub) - Someone who submits to a dominant in a BDSM scene or relationship
  • Slave - Someone who gives up total control of one or more parts of their life
  • Switch - Someone who can take a dom or sub role depending on the situation
  • BDSM - Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism
  • Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) - A BDSM principle considered as ethical behavior
  • RACK - Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
  • GGG - This means “Good, Giving, and Game,” a term used to describe people who are good in bed and enjoy receiving and giving sexual pleasure. They are also game to try new sexual adventures and provide easy access to themselves their partners.
  • Impact play - A BDSM play that involves striking the body with a hand, whip, flogger, cane, paddle, or other instruments.
  • Soft limit - Things a person is hesitant to try but not entirely unwilling to do so
  • Hard limit - Things a person will never do
  • Safeword - This is used to halt a BDSM scene if a hard limit is crossed. All play should immediately stop. It’s important you set a safeword before engaging in any sort of rough play to ensure the safety of all the participants.
  • Aftercare - The physical and emotional care after a scene is over. This is done to prevent a drop.
  • Drop - The emotional or physical exhaustion that usually takes place after a scene. Feeling sad, physical shaking, and crying are just some of the signs of a drop. Both parties in a BDSM relationship may experience a drop.
  • Vanilla sex - Described by the BDSM community as regular sex without any kink involved.
  • Munch - A friendly gathering of people into BDSM in places such as bars. People can openly talk about kinks but no sexual play takes place in such meetings.

What is a Dom-Sub Relationship?

If “50 Shades of Grey” was your introduction to the BDSM world, you may think “Ah! So that’s what a dom-sub relationship looks like.” The simplest definition is two people engaging in some element of BDSM where there’s a clear power difference between the two parties, but there’s more to it than meets the eye. It’s not a one-size-fits all type of relationship.

There are different types of dom-sub relationships and the power dynamics may vary depending on what’s been agreed upon by both participants. Some common types of D/s relationship dynamics include:

  • Daddy dom and little girl (DDLG)
  • Master and slave
  • Sadist and masochist
  • Owner and pet

Generally speaking, the dom has a more assertive personality by nature. That’s why he’s in charge and is expected to lead his submissive. He sets the rules, takes charge in the bedroom, sets the tone for dirty talk, and chooses which punishments to dish out. Some may also take the lead in more mundane things outside the bedroom, such as choosing where to have dinner.

But that doesn’t mean all subs have no control. While naturally submissive people expect to be taken care of inside and outside the bedroom, there are also people who only choose to relinquish control to someone they trust during a scene. Outside of sex and dirty talk, the power dynamics may return to normal where both parties have equal control.

The acts performed are also done within the sub’s boundaries. Plus, both parties can withdraw consent and walk away from the relationship any time.

Due to the sensitive nature of this type of relationship, there are strict rules both participants must follow. It requires unwavering commitment at a greater level than most regular relationships. Some even go as far as creating a formal BDSM contract. But you don’t have to go to such extremes if that’s not your cup of tea.

8 Things to Say to Your Sub

If bottoms need to learn how to talk like a sub, doms also need to know what to say. But finding the things to say to a sub can be hard. Plus, as a dom, there are a lot of expectations from you. You’re expected to be strong, powerful, and always in control. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be romantic, sweet, or giving in bed without appearing weak.

Also, not all subs are the same. While most want and need to be used sexually, those new to this type of kink need gentler guidance. Of course, that’s easier said than do

Talk about Submission and Being a Good Girl/Good Boy

If it’s you and your partner’s first time experimenting with BDSM, you should talk about what the partnership entails. For starters, there are strict rules to follow. You don’t need to draw a contract like in the movie “50 Shades of Grey.” But you need to have an open conversation about both your expectations from the relationship and to what extent the submissive is willing to do. Having an open communication with each other is the only way such a relationship will work.

This is also the time to set boundaries and pick a safeword to ensure the sub’s safety. Some people use the green/yellow/red system. Green means “go”, yellow is “proceed with caution,” and red is “stop.” Of course, you can use any word but make sure it’s not something you usually use during sex. This way, you’ll know right away when you need to stop.

It’s Not All Dirty Talk

The key to open communication is honesty. Be honest with yourself and with your sub. Relay what you need and want, and what you can give in return. It’s not right saying what you think your sub needs to hear. You need to tell the truth no matter how difficult it is.

You need to be honest with each other no matter how difficult it is to tell the truth. This is the only way you won’t accidentally hurt each other. But this could be a problem as some subs aren’t as forthcoming. It’s not that they’re lying or want to lie. It’s just that they tend to be ignorant of their needs, desires, and limits. It could also be because they’re afraid or too shy to tell you what they want. So never assume anything.

It could be frustrating working with the wrong idea. But it’s up to you to ensure you’re working with correct information. Listen to what your partner says and doesn’t say. You need to learn how to approach this with utmost care. Every situation is unique, so you need to dig deep and learn everything you can about your partner.

Watch Out for Non-Verbal Cues

Being a dominant doesn’t mean you have to unnecessarily hurt your partner. Many subs are quite hesitant to vocalize their distress, so it is your responsibility to watch out for non-verbal cues. If your partner is visibly uncomfortable or in pain, ask her if she wants to continue. Remind her that she can use the safeword anytime. This will show her how much you care for her well-being, and she’ll respect you more for it.

Set the Stage

Part of being sexually dominant is going to sleep without feeing sexually frustrated for no reason at all. But don’t demand sex. That’s being domineering, not dominant. And if you have to demand, then you’re not approaching the whole dom thing right. What you can do instead is to clearly state your intentions with a little bit of dirty talk if you like, so there are no miscommunications between you and your partner.

It’s also a good idea to set the stage early on. A simple “I can’t wait to get under your pants” in the morning sets expectations. A text message at noon saying something like “Thinking of you and how I’m going to love you till you can’t walk straight tonight” reaffirms it. Also, adding “Pleasure me in two hours” and a specific time on her Google calendar leaves no room for misunderstandings. It also gives her something to be excited about.

Be in Control

As a dom, you get the upper hand in the bedroom. Your submissive expects you to take the reins in your sexual encounters. Saying things like these can help bring out your inner dom.

  • “Put your mouth here.”
  • “Say my name.”
  • “Get down on your knees.”
  • “Come for me. Now!”

You can also teach her what to say as a submissive. Of course, you need to keep in mind that being in control means giving directions and helping your partner step outside her comfort zone without causing her emotional or physical distress. Doing some orgasm denial also asserts your control and power in your relationship. But don’t be too controlling that you don’t give her enough space to open up.

Be Romantic

Embracing your alpha role doesn’t mean you should be aloof and distant. You can be a dom and still be romantic. After all, romance isn’t dead yet.

Call her sweet names. Romantic and sensual nicknames that somehow resemble her personality and appearance work best for submissive girls. If she looks extra hot, call her “hottie.” A submissive girl’s shy nature magnifies the effect of using such sweet names.

Also, don’t be afraid to give her flowers. Do you know why bringing flowers is such a romance movie cliché? Because it works every time! All girls like receiving flowers now and then. So go ahead and send her some beautiful red roses. While you’re at it, scribble a sweet (or naughty) note to go along.

Genuinely and unconditionally love your partner. Be sweet. Say good morning and good night. Give her a hug and kiss her on the forehead and tell her how much you love her. And don’t forget to thank her whenever she does something for you.

Show Your Appreciation

Every girl is unique and special in her own way and it’s your responsibility as the alpha male to make her feel special. Make it a point to do things that’ll show her you appreciate her, such as giving her gifts. You don’t have to be like Christian Grey who gifts his subs with a car. A trinket or two or a new pair of slutty panties should work just fine.

Give Compliments

Appreciate your woman and appreciate her well. Praise her whenever possible and be generous with your compliments. Tell her how much you adore her scent, smile, even her hair. Build her up with compliments and make her feel beautiful. When you make her feel amazing, she’ll return the favor.

You can also say things like “good girl” (or “good boy”) and give rewards when appropriate. If she managed to satisfy you, tell her what a good little slut she is.

Dom Things to Say: 10 Common Dom Mistakes to Avoid

Figuring out what to say to your submissive isn’t as easy as it sounds. But, as a new dom, you’re not expected to be perfect. In fact, even those who’ve been in a D/s relationship for quite some time can still mess up. But to help minimize your slip ups, we came up with this list of common novice mistakes to avoid as you start your kink journey.

Shouting

If you think shouting or raising your voice is a show of power, then think again. In fact, it’s a sign of weakness because it means you can’t control your emotions. Shouting or resorting to anger is never okay in any situation. Plus, your sub may not respond well to this type of approach. As a result, your relationship may crumble. Instead of an erratic dom, a more calm and collected one demands more respect.

You don’t have to put on a show of being angry just for the sake of it. Of course, if your sub wants you to be mean to her, then go for it. But even then, this method should be a last resort and used sparingly. It should also be used only after establishing trust and consistency with your sub.

Ignoring Boundaries

In pop culture, dominants are seen as sadistic and cruel people who like inflicting pain and humiliating their subs. In some cases, that may be true.

But submissives also have limits. They’re still human after all. Yes, you’re playing the role of power. But the dom-sub relationship is rooted in trust and consent. If you cross that line and it shatters her trust, there’s no going back from there.

Not Communicating

Things can go wrong in the bedroom, no matter how much planning you make. Pretending otherwise can be quite damaging. Sure, there are safewords put in place to keep you from crossing the line. But some people don’t realize that something was a boundary until after the scene.

Knowing how to talk to a sub especially about difficult situations is crucial. That’s why it’s important to discuss with your partner after—or even during—the scene to identify what went wrong and how you two can fix or prevent it from happening next time.

Trying to Be Too Perfect

Perfection is certainly nice to have, but it’s impossible. You have to accept that you’re never going to get things right all the time. Even professional doms still make mistakes. So don’t be too harsh on yourself. Apologize when you need to apologize and just carry on. Your sub won’t mind a few slip ups here and there.

Not Having a Sense of Humor

Being a dom means you have to be in control. But you don’t have to play a different role to do that. You don’t have to be dark and broody if that’s not you. It’s okay to be yourself. Have fun, smile, laugh, be witty, crack jokes, and say stupid things from time to time. Be human.

It’s okay to have a sense of humor. We can’t think of any situation where being funny isn’t a good thing. But don’t be a goof. If your sub can’t take you seriously, the space you’re building will fall apart. This may also push your sub out of her comfort zone. You have to draw a line somewhere and learn when to reel it in.

Rewarding or Punishing Without Any Reason

Having a punishment/reward system is a good way to train your sub. Training your sub is just like training a puppy. You need to be very specific why you’re punishing or rewarding them. Giving rewards or punishments for no apparent reason can overwhelm or confuse your sub.

Not Admitting Your Mistakes

Doms aren’t perfect. You’ll make mistakes from time to time—and that’s okay. You can apologize if you mess up without appearing weak. Owning up to your mistakes doesn’t make you any less of a man. In fact, it’ll make your partner respect you more.

Taking the alpha role doesn’t mean you should never apologize for your mistakes. Even if your girl is submissive, she still deserves an apology even for the most seemingly negligible mistake. A mistake is a mistake, so don’t be afraid to say sorry to her.

Not Respecting Your Partner

As a dom, it’s your right to demand obedience from your sub. But you need to give respect in return. Flashing the dom card doesn’t give you free pass to being an asshole.

The dom-sub relationship is a game of trust. Your sub needs to be able to trust that you won’t cross the line. Show your partner that you can be trusted by respecting her and the rules.

No woman will go down on her knees for any man who doesn’t deserve it. She needs to trust that you won’t cross the line and that you won’t hit too hard when she’s being punished. BDSM isn’t just about the pain. It’s more about the pleasure one gets from the experience.

Being Too Over the Top

You can use toys such as a butt plug for anal training. But you should know that BDSM isn’t just about the chains, leather, whips, and pain. You can still show your prowess even without those. In fact, it’s not always necessary to be naked to assert your dominance. Of course, if your submissive wants those, go for it. But simpler scenes with strawberries and blindfold can be just as erotically satisfying.

Expecting Too Much

As a dom, you expect obedience from your sub. But don’t expect her to give you absolute obedience, fulfill all your crazy fantasies, always have dirty submissive things to say, or call you master all the time. If she doesn’t feel like calling you master, you probably don’t deserve it at the moment. Lower your expectations to meet your partner’s willingness.

Overlooking Aftercare

Any type of BDSM play can bring up tough emotions. If it’s your first time, you may be shocked at your feelings after a scene—even if you’re the dom. That’s why you should never ignore aftercare.

Don’t leave your sub feeling helpless and abandoned. This will only push her to not want to play anymore. After an intense scene, make it a point to hold and caress her. Reassure her with your gentleness and slowly reintegrate yourselves back to reality. This is also a good time to chat and reflect on the things you like to stop or keep doing.

Final Thoughts

Did that sound like a ton of work? Well, that’s because it is. D/s requires an enormous amount of energy from both participants. It takes two to tango! If you aren’t ready for the commitment, that’s okay. But if you are, you have to remember that the whole BDSM experience becomes more fun and exciting when there’s mutual understanding and consent.