Do you notice that when entertainment media portray BDSM it’s often between a nerdy guy and a dominatrix? We often see this in comedies because a man getting dominated by a leather-clad woman is unusual and, therefore, funny.
We understand that this representation pokes fun at men who maintain a secret lifestyle. But another underlying implication is that men are supposed to be the strong, dominant element not just in BDSM but in most types of relationships. It’s the women who should wear the literal and figurative collar and leash.
Throughout their lives, many women are conditioned to be “proper ladies”—restrained, gentle, and submissive. And this can be a problem if you’re a lady who enjoys being in control. Sure, today’s women are exponentially more empowered compared to decades past. But what if you have a hankering for a different kind of power?
Fortunately, there are several outlets for the dominant female to assert her legendary status. We’re not talking about the skin-deep activities we described earlier. In this guide, we’ll walk you through the world of female domination AKA femdom.
Femdom is largely seen as a sexual kink. But we’ll go well beyond that and those caricatures of the dominant woman in Apatow movies. We’ll get right to the core of true femdom—how to start and live the dominant lifestyle in and out of the bedroom. Buckle up because we’re in for a ride.
How To Be a Real Dominant Female
Our beginner’s guide to becoming a good dominant or dom taught you the general basics. The following tips are for the female-identifying side of the relationship.
1. Have confidence and know yourself
In a world where we live by centuries-old rules set by cisgender men, the confident woman is a fantastical being that’s either revered, feared, or hated. Sometimes they’re seen and treated in various combinations of the three.
An independent, self-assured female speaks her mind and may actively correct social injustices. Those baffled by these behaviors—including other more traditional women—see them as acts of aggression toward a long-established system.
As mentioned, women’s rights have come a long way. Today, it’s not just women who fight against inequalities. Allies from all walks of life are becoming more and more instrumental in countering detrimental ideals toward womenkind.
However, and this may be a hard pill to swallow, some women indeed come in a bit too hot when taking the confident approach, especially those who come from a lifetime of submissive conditioning. They overcompensate and become overly aggressive or even vengeful when asserting themselves.
Dignity is a huge part of being confident. There are more elegant ways of saying, “I am woman. Hear me roar.”
Start with body language.
You don’t have to have a go-to power pose, though it certainly helps. If you have a very active professional, social, and family life, things will get overwhelming. There are days when you’re just not up to being a good old chipper Bridgette at the office or the world’s most adoring mom.
Exhaustion translates to how you carry your body around. The weight of your responsibilities can literally make you slouch and drag your feet around. When things get this bad, there’s no harm in faking it.
Show the world you’re in control and handling whatever it is you’re going through with grace. Keep your head high and your back straight. Maintain eye contact with people even if your mind is constantly figuring things out. Smile when the situation calls for it or raise an eyebrow at things you find fishy.
A woman’s job is never done. And cowering to the pressures of daily life will bury you deeper into frustration. Maintaining positive body language is telling yourself and others that you’re holding the reins tight and with absolute conviction.
Don’t be afraid to look good in a way that pleases you.
Even if you have eclectic tastes in fashion, wear it proudly and as normal as Jane from next door wears the same turquoise leggings almost every day. Be comfortable in your personality and style. People are always going to stare and talk. Let them. If they have issues with how you dress then that’s their problem.
Make yourself better.
You probably already know your strengths but you should also acknowledge your weaknesses. It’s all for nothing if you don’t do anything about them, though. Self-realization means being true to yourself. There’s no other way of saying it, but if you have objectively negative qualities, change them ASAP.
Before you dominate others, you must first dominate yourself, specifically the things about yourself that bring the rest of you down.
They say we are our own worst enemy. Having the drive and succeeding in making yourself a better person will give you a massive confidence boost. There’s nothing quite like defeating your demons through willpower.
However, there’s no shame in asking for help. It doesn’t make you any less of a person. It’s an admittance of being human. Confidence also means recognizing that you can’t handle everything on your own. It means you’re resourceful and are open to alternative solutions.
Stay calm.
Your speech and general conduct are quite vital as well. If you kick and scream over every little thing or to get what you want, then you’re playing into the stereotype of the loud, nagging woman. You’re also not confident of your position, so you resort to extreme reactions.
Unless it’s an incredible and blatant offense, keep your cool. Let facts and your intellect speak for you. Maintain a calm yet stern tone of voice. Use a neutral level of vocabulary. Don’t patronize the opposing party by oversimplifying your arguments. Recognize and acknowledge their comprehension skills. Hopefully, you’ll reach a plane of mutual respect, which will make the argument more civil.
2. Be mysterious
Hold things back. You don’t have to tell everyone everything that’s happened or has been happening to you. With over-transparency, you give others too much information and access to your life. You make yourself an open target for scrutiny—an in for foes to get under your skin.
Keep an air of mystery about you instead. Let people discover and explore you through their own efforts. Make them work for your trust and friendship. If you take a call in the middle of a night out with friends, you don’t have to tell them who it was from or what it was all about when you get back. Private things should remain private.
Steer clear of being a “Yes Woman”.
People must earn your good favor and approval. Agreeing to everything isn’t something a femdom does. You must highly value the word “yes”. It’s not that you should always default to “no”. Just be discerning and know what’s worth your time and what’s not.
Curate your social media posts.
Not every brain fart deserves a Facebook status or a tweet. Give friends and family tiny, periodic glimpses of your life on the internet.
Oh, so they think you don’t have significant opinions regarding the current state of politics because you don’t post stuff about them at least thrice a day? Surprise them with hard, well-researched facts when you talk to them in person.
It wouldn’t hurt to be somewhat of a walking contradiction.
Foster an interest in things that are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. Blow people’s minds with your extensive knowledge of concealers and your ability to build a budget gaming computer. Just make sure these are things that you’re legitimately interested in.
Be that person whom people can’t quite put their finger on and keep them guessing. Executed correctly, being mysterious is neither a sign of arrogance nor is it a display of you shutting yourself off. It instead grants you both allure and protection from people who exploit deep personal knowledge of others.
3. Go against the grain
But stay within reason. When you encounter certain setups that aren’t working out for you, don’t think that you can’t take the opposite or a different direction. If your boyfriend has been treating you as his personal ATM, either kick him out or walk out the door.
Letting the current take you wherever it goes for too long will make you complacent and soon enough, you’ll think that this is how things are supposed to be. Swim upstream or get out of the water. Knowing when to cut your losses is a characteristic of a dominant personality because you act on events that affect you negatively. You don’t linger and hope for the best.
As a woman, your views and actions are more prone to invalidation than men. But as a dominant woman, you must always question the norms, especially the ones that defy logic.
Sure, just rolling with the jock culture that’s prevalent in your office keeps the peace. It’s just boys being boys, right?
It’s all fun and games until Gertrude from accounting gets assaulted by the drunk boys from sales after the office Christmas party.
You go against the flow when you want to instigate change. And people will look up to you if you’re the one who planted that seed. You either pound the ground and produce huge shockwaves. Maybe you’re the single drop that creates gradual ripples of change.
You are the one who says, “It’s time somebody did something about this.” You’ll be especially dominant if you’re trying to shift the tides with the welfare of others in mind and not just your own.
4. Lead and inspire
If you’re fortunate enough to be in a position where you can influence others positively, don’t take it for granted. Make the best use of it by becoming a beacon of inspiration to others to the best of your capabilities.
A dominant woman doesn’t use her position of power and authority as a means of enslavement and oppression. She doesn’t enforce policies that benefit only a select few, i.e. just other women. Instead, she treats everyone equally.
If you are a true leader, you don’t immediately play the blame game. You also don’t play the part of the victim as a way of passing the buck. If someone in your team slips up, solving the problem is your primary goal. You act and show your subordinates how problems are solved. At the same time, you’re open to suggestions even from someone below your rank.
You dominate the job and not the people. The best-case scenario is your followers will absorb your methods. If the stars align, you’ll have a well-oiled machine that works with minimum supervision.
The Femdom Kink for Beginners
Now that we’re done with the marrow of being a dominant woman, let’s get to the fun bits of femdom—the kinky side of it. Here’s how you get started and a few basic tips for newbies to female dominance.
1. Establish roles
Getting into femdom begins with communication. Your partner must agree to a Dominant/submissive (Dom/sub or D/s) relationship and that they’ll take on the role of the latter.
The most important part of this step is your sub must give their enthusiastic consent. They should understand you will assume control of your relationship and they must follow.
Then it’s time to determine your relationship’s limits and boundaries. Is it going to be a total power exchange (TPE) wherein your D/s arrangement spans your entire life together? TPE involves maintaining the D/s dynamic 24⁄7. It’s quite a huge commitment. Or will you apply your dominance just during sexual acts?
Know that if your partner declines the submissive role or even hesitates, then there’s no forcing them. BDSM is based on trust and honesty. Shoehorning yourselves into the lifestyle may very well lead to dissatisfaction and tension.
2. Determine goals
List down and discuss the particular activities you’re both interested in. Craft a figurative or actual goal board to better visualize your expectations from your femdom adventures. Are you willing to explore bondage, torture, domestic submissiveness, or pegging? You’d be surprised what your partner might suggest.
We suggest categorizing activities into three tiers: Yes, No, and Maybe. Perhaps put them in order of priority as well. It sounds a bit bureaucratic and dull for a sexual kink. But it will keep you from getting overwhelmed, especially if you have a long grocery list of things you’d like to take a crack at.
In fact, we suggest creating a BDSM contract to make things even clearer. It’s exactly what it sounds like. It’s a non-legally binding written agreement between you and your partner detailing the specifics of your D/s relationship. A BDSM contract is incredibly helpful, especially for beginners.
3. Start slow
You know what your goals are but if you’re both new to BDSM and femdom, don’t instantly jump into the deep end.
Ease your way into the lifestyle and hold back on adding whips, paddles, ropes, etc. to your shopping cart for now. Start with basic femdom stuff like giving your sub chores or making them run errands. A bit of verbal humiliation here and there is good as well.
In a sexual setting, start with commands. Order them to do things for you, particularly acts that are somewhat new to you. Tell them to lick your toes or act like a little child.
Going slow is a terrific way of gauging your partner’s reaction and receptiveness to their role as the submissive. The same goes for you. Are you getting any sort of pleasure from femdom? Is it too awkward or harsh for your taste? Do you notice forms of hesitation from your submissive partner? Is your level of dominance powerful enough that merely using your voice prompts positive responses from your partner?
Starting with these very light BDSM exercises will help you determine whether or not you’re both cut out for the lifestyle. You won’t get things right the first few times. As long as you’re enjoying yourselves, then you’re on the right track.
Advanced Femdom Ideas for Treating Your Submissive
Once you’ve settled in, the next logical step is for you to up your femdom game with these more intricate activities.
1. Sissy play
If you have a male or butch partner who’s known to be extremely masculine, bring them down a few notches by making them wear women’s clothes.
Make them parade around in the skimpiest lace underwear or a particularly fruity Sunday dress. Don’t skimp on the insults (or compliments), too. You might discover a few new things about your partner with sissy play as well. They might actually enjoy dressing up.
In this case, this punishment turns into a reward, which you can still apply to your femdom scenes—your actual sexual interactions. Your clothes probably won’t fit your partner, which means, you guessed it, you’re going to have to shop for them, which can be extremely fun.
For added chuckles, bring them with you and make them pick out their own stilettos or G-string!
2. Bondage
Bondage is pretty commonplace in many BDSM kinks. You’d need some basic knowledge of ties and ropes and move your way up from there.
Restrain your partner and have your way with them. Tease or torture them. It’s your call. Get some impact play in there. Spank, whip, or paddle the fool until they beg you to stop.
Slap on a ball gag and shut them up. If they’re the more dominant personality outside the bedroom, then it’s their turn to get a taste of feeling helpless and controlled.
Use blindfolds so they don’t see what’s coming. Ankle spreaders or hobble ties give you access to a certain orifice that’s usually “exit only”.
3. Anal play
And speaking of butt holes, how about a bit of anal play for your special guy friend?
Men’s relationship with butt stuff is either comedic, on account of poop and farts, or shameful, because sticking stuff up there is “gay”. But they can’t be certain unless they try it, right?
If he agrees to it, you can start with a bit of fingering. If things go well, you can advance to proper toys, such as anal beads and plugs.
But we’re talking about femdom here so a bit of pegging is surely in order. Pegging is when a woman penetrates a man’s anus or mouth using a strap-on dildo. It is the veritable turning of the table.
Before you do any of this stuff, don’t forget to remind your dude to anal douche. Unless scat play is also part of the agenda, you’d want your sesh and sheets to be pudding-free.
4. Cuckolding
Cuckolding is pretty serious stuff and requires a great deal of trust with your partner.
It involves having sex with another person (the bull) as your partner (the cuckold or cuck) watches. Sometimes the “spectator” isn’t allowed to masturbate while they watch. In more open relationships, the cuck doesn’t even have to be present.
This can go both ways. The cuck may also take sexual pleasure in simply knowing that their partner is having relations with another person.
5. Power dressing
Here’s some news for you. You don’t have to be covered in leather and latex during your sessions. If you’re into them, then by all means have at it. But you can wear anything in your femdom scenes.
If you really want to invoke power and control, dress up in a way that gives you that extra dominance boost. This can mean absolutely anything. A power suit? Anime cosplay? A historically accurate Margaret Thatcher ensemble? It’s your choice. Anything that will channel your inner goddess.
You don’t need full outfits. Individual articles of clothing will suffice as well. Thigh-high boots, high-heels, corsets, and fishnet stockings are highly recommended.
Chastity Device: Chastity Cage, Belt, and Jockstrap
Other than the usual whips, ropes, and various penetration toys, chastity devices are a must-have for dominant kink queens.
The point of chastity devices isn’t just so the man can’t penetrate his partner. It goes deeper by denying him an erection, which can be incredibly agonizing.
Let’s look at a few popular examples, shall we?
1. Chastity cage
A chastity cage is an enclosure made of various materials, like metal, resin, silicone, leather, etc. Some cages are made from different combinations of said components.
They come in different sizes and should be able to accommodate your partner’s flaccid penis. Some models come with a built-in locking mechanism, while others take in any old padlock that you get from a hardware store.
For extra torture, some cages have spike-lined insides, which give the wearer extra motivation to avoid boner town. Others are extremely short or practically flat to the point that the penis is pushed back fully into the man’s body.
2. Chastity belt
Also referred to as a chastity harness, a loaded men’s chastity belt is typically a combination of different sex toys integrated into an underwear-like article. A chastity cage is almost always the central tool.
Other possible attachments include an anal plug, a ball stretcher, or even upper leg restraints.
Women’s chastity belts are much simpler devices. They’re often just rigid underwear that comes with a lock, so the wearer can’t take it off willy-nilly.
3. Confinement jockstrap
This is a type of men’s kinkwear that prohibits both access to the penis and achieving a full erection. It’s often made of thick textiles, like leather or silicone. Some models do provide some level of mercy by adding a zipper or flap at the crotch area. But it’s often lockable.
It is not unlike a woman’s chastity underwear. But some more extreme versions of the male counterpart have textured or spiked inner linings.
The jockstrap variant, of course, gives you full and immediate access to the wearer’s rear region. Apart from this style, confinement apparel has other variations, such as thongs, bikinis, and even Borat-style mankinis.
Do Porn Videos Represent Femdom Accurately?
Well, yes and no. It depends on what you came to femdom or BDSM porn for.
If you’re looking to see practical demonstrations of femdom sex acts, toys, or fashion pointers, then they’re great resource materials. There are a lot of great porn stars who concentrate on the femdom kink. But you can’t expect them to fully embody the femdom lifestyle outside of their porn scenes. Porn is mostly acting, after all.
But if we’re pressed for a suggestion, we suggest looking into Gianna Michaels (AKA Gianna Rossi) and her scenes. Many outlets consider her the most aggressive woman in porn and she doesn’t even specialize in BDSM.
Gianna is known for not taking crap from her co-stars when they go out of line and for taking full control of her scenes. Her tone and demeanor show that she’s very certain of herself and her position.
Add to that the fact that she can both dish and take a good amount of beating and you have yourself an extremely dominant woman. You just know from watching her that she’s an alpha in every respect.
Gianna is one of the few women in porn we know who depict the femdom lifestyle with such an impressive level of authenticity and candidness. If you’re looking for real inspiration, then you can do much worse than Ms. Michaels.
However, we still recommend directing your efforts toward more robust and direct sources, like BDSM chat rooms, when researching femdom. Porn is for entertainment, first and foremost. It’s mostly superficial and not a very good source of technical information.
Wrapping Up
Reasonable dominance is key to the femdom lifestyle. Your partner has more incentive to go along with your fantasies if the conditions of your relationship are sane, grounded, and mutually beneficial.
It’s important to know that, while femdom seems to have a lot to do with taking, you are expected to give as well. And what, pray tell, do you give a submissive partner? Your sub expects pleasure and care. Even in a Master/slave (M/s) relationship, there are strong give-and-take mechanics in place.
A good mistress always provides. You make sure that your partner’s sexual needs are met while also looking out for their physical and emotional welfare. BDSM acts are draining and risky. Your job includes preparing for the worst as well.
