The portrayal of BDSM relationships in mainstream media is hit or miss at best. Even porn struggles to depict the dynamic between the dominant and submissive accurately.

This is especially true for studios that don’t specialize in the subculture. They do get a few things right but they’re mostly the superficial aspects of the subculture. What they show is arguably entertaining but ultimately not very informative.

If you’ve recently gotten into BDSM and have taken up the role of a dom, you must be wondering what the role truly entails. Being the dominant or dom in a dom/sub (D/s) relationship isn’t just about holding total power over a willing submissive partner. It goes well beyond having your sub call you various parental labels mid-paddling.

Additionally, you may also be having reservations about assuming the role since it’s often associated with callousness and just all-around assholery.

Some new dominants even worry about underperforming and getting called a fake dom, which is a real thing among BDSM practitioners. Let’s go on a journey together and look at what makes a true, good dom.

How To Establish Sexual Dominance

Unsurprisingly, being a dom comes with a substantial amount of pressure since you’re charged with taking control of another human being. But hard work pays off. The role also comes with a ton of perks if done right.

Here are several tips on how to be the best dom that you can be.

Consent is one of the most important principles that govern BDSM. Never bypass this step. BDSM relationships are always between consenting adults. Its weight doesn’t solely represent permission. It’s also a sign of trust—trust that you, as a responsible dom, will satisfy the sub’s need to be dominated with their safety and general welfare always in mind.

2. Quit demanding submission

Be honest when communicating your intentions regarding your dynamic with your partner. Always ask if it’s okay to do certain things. If they hesitate or straight-up decline, then that’s that. If they disagree with something that’s objectively part and parcel of being a submissive, have a sensible explanation ready. Don’t just say, “It’s what subs do.” Keep a level head when convincing them and don’t resort to aggression because you’re already in a dominant state of mind.

When you’ve defended your position to the best of your ability and they still don’t consent, then that’s the end of it. They have the final word on the degree of submission that will give them pleasure. You agree to have a D/s dynamic because you both believe that it will be a mutually beneficial arrangement. It’s hardly a one-sided deal. Forcing your sub to do something is one of, if not the biggest no-nos in BDSM.

Treasure your sub or slave’s enthusiastic consent. They willfully give up control because they believe in your capabilities as an able dominant. Don’t think of consent as a gesture that your sub readily bestows because it’s a private arrangement and your interactions will mostly occur behind closed doors. Subs know their worth and what they expect from their doms. Consent is indicative of how your sub sees you outside of BDSM play and how strong your relationship’s foundations are.

4. Walk the talk

Taking command needs strong roots. You will find it hard to keep up your sexual dominance if you’re not a genuinely confident individual. As a dom, you must live the alpha life outside of the BDSM context.

Confidence takes on many forms. You don’t have to be the CEO of a teeth whitener company or an Instagram influencer who subsists mainly on whey protein and concealer. You can be the town dung flinger and still exude authentic self-assurance.

Take pride in what you do and in the knowledge that your profession affects the world positively in one way or another. Speak up against things that are decidedly wrong and be a problem solver. Own up to your mistakes, apologize, and change faulty things about yourself. What we’re saying is that you try to be an all-around good person.

Life-coaching clichés aside, living the life of a decent human being has a huge bearing on one’s ego. Remember the last time you did something good for someone and how just the thought of it made your entire day? It’s that.

At the very least, knowing that you’re not a cause of society’s many problems can give your confidence an exponential boost in itself. But be proactive in bettering the world around you if you can manage it.

5. Maintain a level of physicality

We ragged on the superficiality of keeping up physical appearances at the beginning of this entry. However, we can’t entirely discount its positive consequences on a person’s confidence and how others perceive them. Start with straightforward things, such as maintaining excellent grooming habits, hygiene, and posture. Then perhaps move on to dressing up more sharply or interestingly. Maybe start working out if you’re able.

You kick off a cycle when you show concern for your physical appearance and direct effort toward making yourself look better. You get complimented and maybe even start inspiring others to do the same. As a result, you become more assured of yourself and would eventually want to preserve and improve that trait. You’ll assume a more powerful body language and speech. Now, whether or not you give in to douchebaggery simply because of being morally upright or looking better than half the world’s population is on you.

Let’s not forget the practical benefits of fitness. You might find yourself making grand proclamations of your physical prowess only to pause mid-play for a breather. It’s not exactly a flattering image, is it? Some BDSM kinks demand more from your body than others. If you get winded out easily, then you’re going to have to work on your fitness.

Again, you don’t have to have the body of an underwear model. You just have to maintain a level of physicality that would enable you to do your D/s stuff without keeling over while clutching your left arm. You put your partner’s safety at risk as well if your body’s not up to certain sexual acts, like when lifting is involved, for example. Leaving the scene on a stretcher is generally not very sexy. Hit the gym, go for regular runs, and build up that endurance.

6. A confident dom is a good dom

What confidence does for your dom/sub interactions is virtually all-encompassing. You amplify your dom-ness in and out of playtime. You’re more firm, direct, and decisive. You get a better grasp of what you want from your sub and how to obtain it. Your dominance becomes more visceral since you break through the physical limits of exacting control. And this brings your sub to another plane of satisfaction. Knowing they have a dom who’s undeniably confident, just being in the same room with you will drive them to ecstasy.

We understand that building confidence is easier said than done, especially if you have self-esteem issues, to begin with. For some people, just changing the way they dress is a Herculean task. Take it a day at a time. Practice a bit more assertiveness in your daily vanilla interactions and work your way from there. Soon enough, you’ll have power and authority oozing out of your pores. And for crying out loud, don’t slouch. Keep that back straight.

7. Know your sub and take care of them

As mentioned, you take your sub under your wing. This responsibility covers a lot of ground. When you don the title of a dom, you take on multiple roles. You’re a master, boss, disciplinarian, and a teacher, among other things. But don’t forget that you’re also a carer. Your sub puts it up to you to have a near-scholarly knowledge of who they are as well as to keep them safe at all times. If you’re in a serious, long-term relationship, this shouldn’t pose much of an issue.

8. Communication is key

Ask what they want to get out of being your partner and sub, broadly speaking. Then let them tell you the specific fetishes and activities they want to get into. Do they prefer physical degradation? Is emotional stuff off-limits? What are their negative triggers? Asking these kinds of questions will give you a more concrete picture of how your D/s relationship will shape up. Listen carefully and take notes if you have to.

Observe your sub in and out of sessions. This is more easily done if you live together. Look at how they interact with the world. Recognize what makes them tick, what riles them up, and so on. They love orange blossom honey, do they? Use it in food play as a surprise. This is a great way of going deeper into your sub’s psychology without asking. Incorporate these discoveries into your BDSM relationship.

9. Know their limits

One of the first steps of ensuring your sub’s safety is knowing their limits. Once again, it falls upon you to know these things and apply them when and where appropriate. Most subs have a pretty solid idea of the things they don’t want to be done to them. And they’ll volunteer these extremely vital pieces of information right off the bat. Don’t rush them if they don’t have these facts readily available. They know better than you when it comes to their own limits even if you are in a long-term partnership.

Once the boundaries are established, stay within them religiously. Your sub explicitly drew the lines for very important reasons. This is not an area for pushing envelopes and experimentations.

Your sub’s comfort and overall physical well-being are also paramount. Don’t bring untested tools and toys to your scenes. Familiarize yourself with your wares thoroughly before putting them to work. Even if you’ve tested them, you’ll have no idea of their effects on your partner until they use the items themselves. A vibrator on medium setting may seem fine to you but to them, you might as well stick a hand mixer into their orifices. Always go for the lowest settings first when using new equipment.

Just the same, don’t cheap out. We’re in the age where we have access to dirt cheap knick-knacks from unproven manufacturers and online marketplaces. Remember that these pieces of equipment should handle extreme levels of abuse. You don’t want to leave half a length of anal beads in your sub or have a paddle shatter into a splintery mess mid-use because it’s 75% cheaper on AliExpress than at a reputable specialty shop.

Also, make sure that everything’s been cleaned and sanitized before and after use. Have good propriety over the tools you use. Don’t bring crusty, sticky toys into your scenes.

10. Have essential safety gear

Prepare for medical emergencies. Have safety supplies and a first aid kit always on hand. Invest in high-quality safety scissors, sterile bandages, topical antiseptics, cooling ointments, and such. Have a fire extinguisher on-site if you feel the situation might call for it. Be aware of allergies and other pre-existing conditions, such as heart disease. Avoid activities that will aggravate these afflictions.

Don’t hesitate to take breaks and ask how your sub is doing. Make sure that the enjoyment is still mutual and that everything is still up to code. Be creative on how you do this without breaking character. A simple, “How’s that? You like that, don’t you?” whispered in their ear may prompt some level of feedback.

Practice safe sex if you don’t know your partner well. If you insist on raw-dogging it, perform the necessary preventive measures before and after your encounters. Don’t leave this to chance. A few hours of pleasure aren’t worth a lifetime of stress and anxiety.

Despite the perceived indignity you put your sub through during kinky play, never forget that they’re still a human being. Respect their body and who they are as an individual. Now, you might wonder that playing carer and nurse to your sub isn’t very BDSM. Always remember that a D/s relationship is symbiotic. You give and take. You won’t achieve and maintain real sexual dominance if you go into it thinking it’s all about you. A true dom and alpha always earns his place in the hierarchy.

Empowering the Safe Word

Ah, the famous and all-powerful safe word. It’s one of the most recognizable concepts in BDSM. We hear it thrown around a lot in popular media depictions of D/s relationships. But what mystical powers does a safe word really hold?

The sub utters the safe word when the dom and their actions are infringing on the agreed limits—when things are going too intense or painful for comfort. Saying the safe word calls for the immediate ceasing of the session, no questions asked. The safe word’s authority is absolute and not up for debate.

Everything, sexual or otherwise, has to stop. You resume your shenanigans only when the reason why the safe word was laid down has been addressed. Your safe word may also function as a signal for a break or if the sub is nearing climax but still doesn’t want to. Maybe they’re getting cramps or have an itchy nose. It’s not always a sign that something extremely negative has happened. It’s also not exclusive to BDSM or other role-play settings. You can use a safe word in any sexual situation.

From raunchy to proper real quick

How do you choose a safe word? There’s no set rule on what sorts of terms qualify as safe words. But we recommend you assign words that are baffling, out of context, have the capacity to derail one’s train of thought, and, perhaps most importantly, the farthest thing from sexy. Good examples of safe words are casserole, basil, Tuesday, Afghanistan, and so on. You can also use short phrases. Suddenly shouting “Bambi’s mom” in the middle of sex should snap anyone out of the moment.

A sub may hold back on invoking the safe word for several reasons. Worrying that they may disappoint their dom is one factor. Before this even happens, explain to your sub that the safe word is, well, for safety—their safety, practically speaking. Also say that you’ll be disappointed at a sub that can’t perform their duties because you, as their dom, had unknowingly traumatized them physically, emotionally, or psychologically.

If that doesn’t convince them, say that the safe word instills some sense of power in their position as a sub. They may be a slave to you most of the time but the safe word is one of the few areas of your dynamic where they have unequivocal authority and influence over you. Remind them to use it wisely as well.

A sub may also fail to call on the safe word because they’re literally incapable of speech. Maybe it’s because they’re gagged or too exhausted. Nonetheless, you may also want to establish a non-verbal “safe gesture”. Replace words with a pinch, a strong head tilt, or whatever you see fit.

If you feel it’s needed, use a traffic light system and designate a pre-safe word, which stands as the yellow light to the main safe word’s red. This should send a message that you’re getting close to crossing your sub’s threshold and that you should take it down a peg.

Pay attention to power-grabbing

The safe word is not immune to abuse or exploitation. A sensible sub uses it only as needed. If you feel that your sub has been misusing your safe word even after you’ve clarified what it really stands for, have an honest discussion about it.

Power-grabbing, though uncommon, is a known practice of BDSM. Sometimes it’s part of the “brat” persona but a good sub rarely involves the safe word in this type of play. If a sub often uses the safe word as a crutch, the role or BDSM at large may not suit them after all.

However, don’t immediately assume that abuse is afoot. Give your sub the benefit of the doubt and practice patience. It’s part of your obligations. After all, you’re not the one tied up to the bed, getting drizzled with melted wax.

Allow your sub time to sort out what their limits truly are. They may claim that they have a high pain tolerance until the session begins and they discover that they’re not as hardy as they initially thought.

Training Your Sub

You have consent and know the basics of confidence-building and submissive care. What’s next? If you and your partner are both comfortable with the idea, then jump into submissive training. Training your submissive is a big old can of goodness that we’ll get into deeper in a separate post. But we’ll give you several pointers that apply to new doms.

What’s submissive training?

Submissive training is a set of techniques geared toward conditioning your partner to be a good sub. It works best if you’re in a serious relationship and have reached a significant level of openness with your partner.

Once you have consent, ask your sub which part of their life they want to be controlled either fully or partially. Know the reason behind this and what they expect from the experience. What are the specific skills and traits they intend to acquire?

After that, it’s your turn to let your sub know what you expect from them. Specify particular tasks and the level of service that you desire. Take note of the areas that require work and the ones that need building from the ground up.

This is also a terrific way of determining the limits and boundaries that your sub may have overlooked in your previous discussions and negotiations. These bits of information should work as your framework for the conditioning exercises.

Move on to establishing your forms of address. How will you refer to each other and what are the limits of these labels? Do they call you “Master” exclusively during scenes or sessions? Or does it cover the entirety of your dom/sub relationship?

You use titles and stick to them because it maintains and possibly enhances the superiority of your position. Your sub addressing you as their master on the regular serves as a strong reminder that they are your subordinate. It gives you a better footing for when you commence with the training proper.

Good sub or bad sub?

For starter doms, we recommend operant conditioning. We won’t mince words. It’s like training a dog. In the context of BDSM, you aim for consistent quality in subservience. For example, use your sub’s favorite sex toy whenever they do tasks well or every time they do something that pleases you in general. They’ll strive for excellence in anticipation of getting rewarded. Soon enough, your sub will deliver consistently outstanding results even without you using the sex toy as gratuity.

Use punishment as another form of reinforcement if it pleases you and if you think it’ll yield better results. Too much sugar in your coffee? Perhaps a spot of orgasm denial in your next session will sort them out. People’s reactions to different stimuli vary. Mix up your approaches until you find something that works best. You want automatic responses that are exactly to your liking.

Another exercise you might want to try as a budding dom is skill training. Want your sub to give pro-level massages? Teach them. If you’re not particularly adept yourself, point them in the direction where they can learn the skill. You can also simply let your sub acquire skill sets by themselves. How hands-on you are is entirely up to you.

There’s a slew of other conditioning techniques that you may use on your sub, such as classical conditioning as well as insight and preference training. But the ones we suggest here should cover the basics and get you on the right track.

Don’t Hate

BDSM, for its strong association with punishments and discomfort, is ultimately a safe space for all participants. This is not the avenue for you to enact your prejudices on other people. If you have a distaste for a particular gender, race, and such, do not go into a dom/sub relationship because it gives you license to “legally” marginalize them.

If this is your goal, then you’re certainly not practicing sexual dominance. You’re abusing other people. Oppression under the guise of eroticization is not cool. It’s very likely that you won’t care about your partner’s boundaries because you have a different objective in mind whenever you go into scenes.

You will not experience growth. You will not get much other than more hatred as you direct rage toward your partner for things that are out of their control. And this may lead to extremely disastrous outcomes. For instance, if your sub’s well-being is way down your list of priorities, you put them at great risk of physical, emotional, and mental harm.

Extreme Power Play

Some practitioners engage in race play. However, it’s a practice that sits precariously on a needlepoint within the BDSM community. If you’re interested in getting into such a sensitive type of play, you need an established relationship with your sub. It calls for long, in-depth discussions.

Look out for even the slightest hint of hesitation. Address it and abandon the idea if it proves too emotionally taxing. There are tons of other scenarios available at your disposal. As the dom, you uphold an atmosphere of safety, fun, and satisfaction for all parties involved. Avoid dipping your toes in activities that will compromise these vital elements.

Your beliefs are your own. We won’t tell you how to live your life. What we will say is it’s the 2020s. The vastness of the world becomes progressively inconsequential thanks to the internet. You have access to information about people you might dislike or hate—a means of peeking into their side of the fence. Who knows? Maybe you’ll find out that there’s fundamentally no valid reason behind your prejudices if you have them.

Sober Play is Fun

Sobriety is one of the guiding principles of BDSM. While taking various intoxicants, like booze, may enhance the mood of your various plays, it may also lead to risky behavior and practices.

Alcohol and some drugs may affect one’s reaction time and pain threshold. And these don’t typically mix well with whips and bondage. You run the risk of taking things too far or your sub might ditch the safe word altogether.

Sticking to plans becomes exponentially challenging with impaired judgment. Boundaries are crossed willy-nilly. Your clouded minds might embolden you to do dicey things, such as dispensing with condoms and other similarly unsafe acts. If you can’t ensure everyone’s absolute safety while under the influence of certain substances, then going chem-free is the best course of action.

Natural high is the way to go

There are BDSM enthusiasts who turn to the lifestyle as a way of working out their dependence on drugs and alcohol. The natural high they get from engaging in kinks and fetishes effectively replaces their more damaging old habits.

If BDSM works for you and your partner, you get the benefit of energizing adrenaline rushes. So-called “pleasure hormones”, such as dopamine and endorphins, kick in. You stave off the bad mojos brought on by anxiety and depression without ravaging your body and mind.

What’s also great about keeping it sober is you appreciate the fun and pleasure a lot more than when you’re buzzed with intoxicants. You are more aware of what happens instead of being in a fugue state. Minus the blackouts, you remember how much fun you have during play and anticipate the next one with untarnished excitement.

Draw Up a BDSM Contract

Having BDSM contracts is indeed a common practice in the kink and fetish subculture. And it’s exactly what it sounds like. It’s an actual written agreement between doms and subs that details the terms and conditions of their D/s relationship.

What goes into a BDSM contract? The answer is practically anything you want to establish in the duration of your D/s setup. You set titles and labels, the limits and boundaries as per your sub, and the period of effectivity. You can also specify punishments along with a whole host of other stipulations.

It’s a useful tool for keeping track of the particulars of your arrangement and tangible proof of your dominance over your sub. It gives more credence to your position as master and keeper. Your sub’s dedication to a period of servitude is such that they signed an actual contract proving the fact.

A BDSM contract is not a legal document. You can’t sue your partner for not observing agreed terms. It’s just added flavor and imparts a touch of intensity to your ties as a dominant and submissive. Signing that piece of paper means that all involved parties are serious about going into the relationship.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun drawing it up. It’s a fantastic avenue for creativity. Here’s a look at our beginner’s guide to writing a BDSM contract.

Practice Good Aftercare

The things you do in BDSM sessions aren’t your run-of-the-mill sexual endeavors. They are much more intense and take a huge toll on you and your partner’s bodies and psyches. Sure, there’s pleasure but getting there involves a lot of extremes. When you’ve concluded the scene, there’s aftercare, which is an integral part of your job as a dom.

Aftercare is very subjective and dependent on what your sub needs. But as a whole, you should look into your sub’s physical welfare first and foremost. Check for possible injuries and administer first aid ASAP.

This is also the key moment for affection. Compliment your sub for a job well done. Cuddle and kiss them. Offer refreshments and a change of clothes if needed. Offset the “unkindness” you subjected them to by making your sub feel as comfortable as possible. Do “regular” lovers’ stuff, like taking a shower together or even vanilla sex.

Part of the goal is to bring your energies down back to Earth gradually. Don’t just toss your sub a towel and then ask them to clean up the scene like a massive jerk. Stick with each other until you’ve both calmed down. Have a sweet little chat or even assess your recently wrapped-up session. Mastering good aftercare will strengthen your D/s connection and your sub will be more eager to please you.

Beginner Dom Activities

What does a dom actually do in the bedroom? Here are several standard dominance activities that should get the ball rolling.

Impact play

Impact play is a blanket term for activities that involve some form of hitting. These include spanking, paddling, or whipping. It’s good for foreplay or punishment administration. Use toys or just your hands. Hit erogenous zones, such as the areas around the groin and butt cheeks. Impact play is also wonderful for getting the blood flowing and intensifying the heat of the moment.

Dirty talk

Add verbal humiliation to your agenda and make sure your sub addresses you accordingly. Control the scene through words and a commanding tone. Remind them of their position by repeatedly using terms, like slut, slave, or cumbucket. Demand an apology for every mistake they make.

Role play

Add a bit of meta to your BDSM scene through role play. Set up scenarios that typically involve a superior and a follower. Play as doctor and nurse or commanding officer and private. Use costumes if you’re keen. Enact scenes that lead to your character punishing that of your sub. This is also a great opportunity to break out themed sex toys. That police baton dildo isn’t going to stick itself up someone’s hole.

Bondage

Tie your partner down to the bed or string them up like a turkey. With your sub’s movements extremely limited, perform sexually stimulating acts on them. Tickle or edge them. Gag them for an added layer of helplessness. Make them realize that you are fully in control. Use bondage-grade handcuffs or ropes and ties. If it’s your first time trying out this kind of sexual play, take a look at our beginner’s guide on light bondage.

BDSM Power Play: Are All Doms Tops?

And are all subs bottoms?

From an outsider’s point of view, the top and bottom roles predominantly exist in the LGBTQ+ community. The idea that the top (the giver) fucks or penetrates and the bottom (the receiver) gets fucked is a gross oversimplification but that’s how it’s mostly described.

In a D/s relationship, being a top or a bottom is more than just a preferred sexual position. Generally speaking, the top leads and dictates the actions while the bottom follows—so far, so in tune with the D/s dynamic, right? But hold on. There’s such a thing as “topping from the bottom”, and it gets really interesting.

In this case, the sub manipulates the scene to the point that they acquire some control from the dom. For example, if the sub feels like they’re not getting punished enough, they can become a “brat”, which is a type of submissive that talks back and disrespects their dom. Such irreverence would push any dom’s buttons and often results in the administration of punishments. The sub gets what they want, effectively turning them into the top and the dom into the bottom for falling for the former’s hijinks.

Sometimes this shift in control happens organically. Other times it’s predetermined and a part of the scene and play. A sub doesn’t always use negative provocation—AKA being a brat—to sort of have their way with the dom momentarily. They can also use seduction and other means in working their way to becoming the top.

Just the same with sexual positions, if someone’s getting penetrated, they can also take full control of the situation and order the giver around. They’re still getting fucked but in the exact way that they want to get fucked.

Some members of the BDSM community think that this muddling of the power exchange is not good practice and goes against what a real D/s relationship stands for. Others find it refreshing and just another source of sexual pleasure.

Is Performing Oral Sex an Act of Dominance?

We normally associate going down on a partner with rendering a service. After all, oral sex is for the benefit of the one receiving it, right? So it should follow that it’s purely a submissive act, shouldn’t it?

In the BDSM sense, context is the deciding factor. A dom can blow or eat out their partner and still retain their status as the irrefutable commander of the relationship. In your capacity as a dom, you can tease and deny orgasm when giving oral sex. In this scenario, you maintain control. You decide what sort of sensation your sub should feel.

This display of power is much more effective in bondage play. You bring your sub close to climaxing but since they’re restrained, they’re incapable of self-pleasure, much more release. In the case that they don’t want to come yet, you do a forced orgasm. You do that because regardless of whose face is pressed against whose genitals, everything is still in your hands (or mouth). It may also be as simple as you enjoying giving oral and your sub is a mere means to that end.

Your Submissive’s Sexual Pleasure Comes First

You may think that a lot of the points we peddled here are counterintuitive—that they pay more attention to the sub’s needs and wants than those of their dom. We can’t stress enough that a D/s relationship is a two-way road. You don’t expect something from your sub and not give back something of equal or more value.

It’s not all about the pleasures of intercourse. As the leader, you get your kicks from controlling your sub, while your sub gets off on the idea of being overpowered. Control is a hard thing to relinquish but your sub signed it away anyway. Assume that you’re getting more from this side of the D/s dynamic even if there’s enthusiastic consent from your sub.

If you want continued good subordination, prioritize your sub’s sexual needs. It’s the least you can do after all the degrading and humiliation you put them through. Give them the shagging of their life. Make them feel sensations that only you are capable of inducing. Appreciate your sub and let them know they’re valued. A happy sub is a good sub. A good subbie renders better service and the cycle goes on and on.