Not having your boundaries sorted out before starting a BDSM relationship is the biggest mistake you could ever make. This could lead to frustration, resentment, discomfort, misunderstandings, and disappointment.
BDSM, by its very nature, is a power dynamic between two people. Without a clear understanding of each other’s boundaries and limits, it can be difficult to maintain that power balance. It could lead to arguments or even a break-up of the relationship.
That’s why seasoned BDSM practitioners keep a boundary checklist, preventing them from accidentally crossing each other’s boundaries. So before jumping head first into the world of kink, we highly recommend you create a soft and hard limits checklist with your partner first to sort out your boundaries. Don’t worry. Creating one is as easy as pie. We’ll show you how.
What is a BDSM Checklist?
A BDSM boundary checklist is a list of activities that are safe, consensual, and comfortable for all parties involved in a BDSM relationship. It’s often found in BDSM contracts, or it could be the contract itself. This ensures all parties involved are aware of and comfortable with the proposed activities.
It’s also a good starting point for negotiating BDSM play. It can be modified as needed to fit the specific needs and boundaries of the people involved. So don’t be afraid to renegotiate your contract anytime you feel like the arrangement is no longer working for you.
Why Use a BDSM Checklist?
There are a few reasons why you might want to use a checklist to figure out your kinky limits. For starters, it can help you get a better sense of what kinds of activities you might be interested in exploring and the ones you absolutely won’t try. It also makes it easier to communicate your interests and limits to a potential partner. Plus, it’s a great tool for keeping track of your progress as you explore your kinky side.
Having a checklist certainly helps keep things organized and structured. Aside from that, it also helps you get to know yourself better. You’d be surprised how much you’ll get to learn about yourself by simply creating a BDSM checklist. But don’t use it to skip talking to your partner. After all, communication is the key to any relationship.
Why Do BDSM Relationships Need Boundaries?
There are a few reasons why BDSM relationships might need boundaries. First, BDSM activities can be quite physically and emotionally intense, so it’s important to make sure everyone is comfortable with what’s happening. Second, BDSM relationships often involve a power dynamic, with one person being dominant and the other being submissive. This power exchange can be difficult to maintain if there aren’t clear boundaries in place.
Finally, BDSM relationships can be extremely intimate. So everyone must be comfortable with the level of intimacy that’s happening. Creating a boundaries checklist is a great starting point for any BDSM relationship. Take this time to list all your hard and soft limits.
What is a Hard Limit?
A hard limit is a boundary that a submissive or bottom doesn’t want to cross for any reason. This can be anything from a specific activity that’s off-limits, to a limit on the amount of physical or emotional intensity that can be tolerated.
This can be due to personal comfort levels, previous bad experiences, or anything else. For example, people with hemophobia, or fear of blood, won’t want to do blood play under any circumstances. Hard limits are usually set before any session begins and are non-negotiable. A good dominant will always respect them.
What is a Soft Limit?
A BDSM soft limit is a boundary a person isn’t comfortable crossing. This may be due to personal comfort levels, emotional concerns, or past experiences. But while a person may be uncomfortable with it, this usually isn’t a deal-breaker.
Unlike hard limits, soft limits may be open for exploration under the right circumstances. For example, you may have a soft limit on anal play but be willing to try it under the right conditions with the right partner.
Soft limits may be renegotiated as a person becomes more comfortable with their kink identity and BDSM play. It’s important to communicate these boundaries with your partner before engaging in any type of kink play.
How to Create a BDSM Checklist
There’s no right or wrong way to create a checklist. As long as it helps you organize your thoughts, limits, and boundaries, then that’s all that matters. But we found that a “Yes/No/Maybe” list is the easiest way to create one. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how you can do it.
- Sit down with your partner and decide what kinks and BDSM activities you’re both interested in exploring.
- Research each activity to learn more about it.
- Make a list of all the activities you’re interested in, with a column for each person to mark whether they’re interested in trying it (yes), not interested (no), or open to trying it (maybe).
- In the “Yes” column, only list the things you’re willing to do. You can also note more information for each activity. For example, if you wrote “slapping,” note down where your partner can hit you, how hard, and in which activities it’s allowed.
- The “No” column will contain all your hard limits. These are the activities you’re not interested in trying and never will be. You should also include potential triggers and safety precautions here, such as words that may make you feel uncomfortable or if you’re on blood thinner medication.
- The “Maybe” column is for all the things you’re hesitant but are willing to try. These are the things you’d maybe try in certain circumstances if you had the right person for your partner or the ones you’d try only after learning more about them. You can also include the activities you haven’t decided on yet in this column.
- Rate each activity according to your level of interest.
- Compare and discuss your list with your partner to see if there are any activities you’re both interested in trying.
- If there are, agree on a time and place to try them out. Make sure to discuss any hard limits or safe words beforehand.
- Enjoy exploring your kinks and BDSM activities together!
20 Types of BDSM Play
To understand what your soft and hard limits might be, you need to know the different types of BDSM play. Each activity involves different levels of intensity but can be tailored to the preferences of the participants.
Here are just some of the more popular ones we’ve classified into three levels of intensity.
Light Play
Roleplaying – Roleplaying is where people take on different roles to enact a scene or fantasy. This can be done for sexual pleasure or power exchange.
Age play – It’s a form of roleplaying where one person takes on the role of a child or baby, while the other person assumes the role of the caretaker. This can be a fun and playful way to add excitement to your sex life. It can also be a way to explore your own childhood experiences or to create a power dynamic in your relationship.
Pet play – In pet play, one person takes on the role of an animal, while the other assumes the role of the animal’s owner or handler. The animal may be trained to perform tricks, obey commands, or engage in sexual activity. It’s a fun way to add variety to your sex life, or it can be a more serious form of BDSM play with strict rules and roles.
Diaper play – People with a diaper fetish get sexually aroused by the sight or feel of diapers, especially on a partner. They may enjoy wearing diapers themselves. Diaper fetishes can be added into many different types of sexual activities, from mild to extreme. It could also be considered taboo play. It dances along the lines of infantilism and age play which may freak other people out, especially those who don’t know much about the DDLG kink.
Spanking – Spanking is a popular activity in the BDSM community. People do it for sexual gratification or power exchange. It can also be used as a form of punishment, depending on the context and dynamic between the two people involved.
Heavy Play
Bondage – Bondage is a practice involving the physical restraint of a partner for sexual pleasure. It’s one of the main practices within BDSM and usually refers to the use of restraints such as handcuffs, rope, or chains to restrict movement. If you’re still hesitant to go all out on this one, you can test the waters with light bondage first.
Latex/rubber/leather play – This is a form of BDSM where one or both partners wear latex, rubber, or leather clothing or accessories. The leather can be used for sensory play, as a form of restraint, or simply as a way to add to the scene’s visual appeal.
Sensation deprivation – Sensation deprivation is a form of BDSM activity where the submissive is deprived of all sensation, usually through the use of blindfolds, earplugs, and/or restraints. This can be a very intense and overwhelming experience for the submissive, as they are completely reliant on the dominant for all sensations.
Medical play – Medical play is an iconic staple of kinky sex where kinksters take on the persona of medical practitioners. It involves a wide range of activities, from simple roleplaying games to more intense activities involving medical equipment. It allows participants to explore their own physical and psychological limits in a safe and consensual way. It can be a very exciting and sexually charged experience for both partners.
Flogging – Flogging is a popular BDSM activity where one person uses a whip or other instrument to strike their partner for sexual pleasure. It can be used as a form of foreplay or as part of a scene. Many people find the sensation of being flogged to be erotic and pleasurable.
Extreme Heavy Play
Electric play – Electric play involves using electric shock to stimulate the body. This can be done using a variety of devices, including electric vibrators, electro-stimulation devices, and even simple things like electric toothbrushes. Electric play can be a very exciting and stimulating experience for both partners. It’s also a great way to add some extra spice to your sex life.
Breath play – Breath play involves controlling or restricting a person’s breathing. It can be done by various means, such as choking, suffocating, or placing a breathable fabric over the mouth and nose.
Knife play – Knife play involves the use of sharp objects to provide sensation during playtime. It can be used to produce a wide range of sensations, from light scratches to deep cuts. It can be an intensely erotic and stimulating experience for both partners.
Fire play – Fire play involves playing with fire in a sexual or nonsexual way. It can be used to produce arousal, create an adrenaline rush, or simply as a form of sensation play. It’s important to be safe when engaging in fire play and to have a clear understanding of what you’re doing before you start.
Scat play – This type of BDSM play involves acts such as watching a person poop, pooping on a person’s body, smearing poop on the body, or even eating poop. This can be done as part of power exchange, as a humiliation tactic, or simply as a way to experience something new and different together. Women are advised to take extra precautions when engaging in scat play because vaginal and urinary tract infections are often caused by the bacteria found in fecal matter. Using dental dams and condoms can help prevent transmission.
Needle play – This type of BDSM play involves the use of needles to stimulate the body. This can be done to produce an endorphin rush, cause pain, or create a sense of vulnerability. It’s usually done in a sexual or erotic context. The needles used should always be sterile and should only be inserted into the top layer of skin.
Edge play – Edge play refers to activities that are considered risky or extreme. These activities can involve physical risks, such as knives and fire play, or psychological risks, such as mind games and humiliation. Edge play is often seen as a way to push boundaries and explore new and exciting things with a partner. But due to its nature, communication and safety precautions before and during a scene are essential.
Sounding – This involves the insertion of metal or glass rods into the urethra for sexual stimulation. While it helps heighten sexual arousal and pleasure, there’s a high risk of injury associated with this type of play.
Urine play – Urine play involves the use of urine either as a form of humiliation or as a way to produce an intense sensation. It’s considered to be a taboo form of play and is often only undertaken by those who are very experienced in BDSM.
Fisting – Fisting involves inserting someone’s entire hand into another person’s vagina or anus. It can be quite pleasurable for both parties involved and can lead to intense orgasms. But there’s also a high risk of tearing or bruising the tissues inside the vagina or anus if the person being fisted isn’t properly aroused and lubricated. The anal or vaginal sphincter muscles may also get damaged, which can lead to incontinence.
BDSM Safety Rules
It’s no secret that BDSM can be physically and emotionally intense. That’s why there are certain rules BDSM practitioners must follow to keep everyone safe.
- Establish and agree upon clear boundaries, limits, and expectations before beginning any scene.
- Make sure all participants are fully consenting and aware of the risks involved.
- Don’t use alcohol or drugs before or during a scene, as they can impair judgment and lead to accidents.
- Keep a first aid kit on hand in case of any accidents.
- Use a safe word or gesture that will stop the scene immediately if either party becomes uncomfortable.
- Be aware of your body and your partner’s body cues to make sure everyone is still enjoying themselves.
- Choose toys and equipment carefully. Make sure they’re clean and in good condition.
- If you’re using any bondage equipment, make sure it’s secure and won’t cause any injuries
- Don’t leave your partner unattended while they’re restrained.
- Be careful with any tools you’re using, such as whips or paddles. Make sure you don’t cause any lasting damage.
- Be aware of your own physical and emotional limits, and respect those of your partner. Take breaks as needed and make sure you’re both still comfortable with continuing.
- If at any time either of you wants to stop, all activity should stop immediately.
- Stop immediately and seek medical help if anyone experiences severe pain, shortness of breath, or other serious medical symptoms.
- Seek professional help if you or your partner are experiencing any negative psychological effects from your activities.
- Dispose of all used materials, including needles and other sharp objects, safely and responsibly.
- Be considerate of your partner’s aftercare needs, and provide whatever is necessary to help them recover from the scene.
- Always practice safe, sane, and consensual BDSM.
Final Thoughts
A BDSM checklist is a must-have for any kinky couple as it keeps everything organized and in check. This way, nothing is forgotten and everyone knows what’s going on. It helps make sure everyone is on the same page and knows what to expect. Plus, knowing that everything is carefully planned and executed makes the whole experience even more erotic.
You can read our guide about BDSM contracts if you want to learn more about how to write and negotiate one.
