You’ve seen the hardest of doms in porn, but have you heard of soft doms?
To most people, the very existence of a soft dom is an oxymoron. How can a dominant under BDSM conditions be soft? Isn’t the very nature of doms to be cold, exert force, and demand compliance?
As it turns out, not every dom is the Christian Grey that popular culture has been long fascinated with. Doms aren’t always pleasure- or punishment-oriented. There are many practitioners in the BDSM lifestyle who prefer a more sensual or intimate kind of dominance. It’s time for the tough guy with a soft side to reign.
According to Urban Dictionary, a soft dom is loving and gentle to their partner but “a powerful force to be reckoned with when they need to be”—the bedroom included. Think of soft doms as the gentleman of the BDSM world. No contorted positions, hard slaps across the face, and what-have-you of the doms you see in porn, but that also doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of rough play.
In fact, the very appeal of soft doms lies in the fact that you know a more sinister being lies within them. There’s something so alluring about soft doms that are sweet in words but won’t hesitate to spank you at your request (followed by the greatest aftercare session, of course!).
Soft Dom vs. Hard Dom
Quick disclaimer: the rise of the term “soft” has been controversial following its popularity in recent years, with people in the lifestyle pointing out that the addition of a less intense category will make hard doms appear too sadistic in contrast. On the other end of the spectrum, there are those who invalidate the existence of soft doms in the BDSM community, passing them off as borderline vanilla.
Both notions should be rejected—one is equally as real as the other. Putting a label to the act might feel a tad bit too excessive for some, but for many, it provides them a sense of comfort by putting a name to what they are and what they stand for. With that out of the way, let’s get into the nitty gritty of things…
Hard doms get pleasure out of being rough and forceful, often pushing a sub out of his or her limits to really feel a strong sense of power-play happening between them. On the other hand, soft doms are still into the whole rewards and punishments set-up, only they’re more supportive and encouraging when it comes to the task. One might even argue there are a lot more rewards than punishments with soft doms.
Moreover, soft doms aren’t using a stoic or harsh persona to exert their presence, but are taking control of the situation from a more approachable personality. The relationship is centered around intimacy rather than trying to fit a hypermasculine stereotype or high-protocol approach.
Even the language of dominance differs. You’ll find that soft doms will not use any crude or cruel vocabulary but are instead more careful with their word choice. Where a hard dom might say, “You’re so pathetic for wanting this,” a soft dom might say, “You’re so needy for wanting this.”
See the subtle difference? They’re in charge in bed but will not go to an extent of berating or humiliating you. It’s dominance without the aggression, without the forcefulness, and at times, without the pain that is often associated with being a dom.
Bondage might also be more widely practiced than impact play among soft doms in bed. What do we mean by this? The act of submission is prioritized over the infliction of pain. Sometimes, a soft dom likes to challenge a sub by making him or her take part in sensual play like wax play and temperature play. Doing impact play might even hurt the soft dom more than it hurts the sub at the receiving end of it. They’re too cute to be real, we know.
In a nutshell, soft doms still get off on taking the lead, but the means to do so is more gentle in approach. There are no harsh commands here. The soft dom mentality is, “I can yell, but I shouldn’t have to.”
Embodying the Ideal Soft Dominant
Now that you understand the difference between soft doms and hard doms, you might be wondering how else a soft dom acts in bed.
Here are some generic but foolproof ways to practice being a soft dom:
- Ask instead of demand.
- Build up encouragement and not fear.
- Verbally check in throughout playtime.
- Shower sub with affection during aftercare.
- Focus more on the connection and less on ownership.
- Provide more rewards than punishments.
- Encourage instead of challenge.
- Use calm but stern speech.
- Coax sub into submission.
- Inhabit the role of a protector and provider in bed.
In addition, something as simple as being explicit in instruction can make all the difference. The worst thing a soft dom can do in a bedroom is give the sub a silent treatment. Communication is a gift—use it. For everything.
Tell her exactly what you want her to do at any given time. She’s blowing you? Instead of letting her be or pushing her head down, try to be a little more proactive even as a receiver. Ask her to take all of it in like the obedient princess she is.
Here are other iconic lines that more soft doms should really pick up on:
- “Good girl.”
- “You like that, don’t you?”
- “You can take it.”
- “Cum for me.”
- “Use your words, baby.”
- “You’re doing so well.”
However helpful these are, following guides by the book isn’t going to cut it. You’ll need certain skills to best operate within the role of a soft dom. According to BDSM educator Ms. Elle X, soft doms have the self-control to choose patience over indulgence.
With aggression, intimidation, and humiliation being out of the picture, the submissive is given the freedom to navigate at their own pace. Most importantly, soft doms are mindful in that they are fully present in the moment and are able to read nonverbal cues that the sub might be exhibiting during the session. The most successful soft doms make their subs feel mentally and emotionally safe.
When subs have full trust in you, you can afford to insert a mild punishment every now and then as a soft dom. Just because pain is off the table doesn’t mean control is. You can be firm without being extreme.
Case in point: orgasm control is your superpower as a soft dom. You can either choose to give too many or too few of it—or maybe even ruin an orgasm or two for an extra bratty sub. Another close cousin is sensory overload or deprivation. Make your pick.
The Benefits Of Soft Dominance
The benefits of soft dominance are a long list. It’s a great avenue for beginners to dip their toes into the BDSM community. One of the biggest reasons it takes so long for people to get into BDSM even though they have a strong submissive side is because it looks really painful.
The art of soft dominance provides a non-threatening atmosphere that allows the sub to maintain a sense of autonomy from the dom. That said, soft doms would want to keep this safe space consistent and reliable as much as possible.
In addition, subs tend to experience a longer, often more intense subspace. Getting into the total dom/sub role can be tiresome, if not altogether fragile to break. A hard dom causing too much pain to a sub can result in them saying the safe word too fast, too early.
In contrast, a soft dom allows the submissive to maintain a safe environment. As Ms. Elle X put it, “we’re not introducing such heightened elements that would trigger them out of the sub headspace.” If the sub knows they’re being cared for, they understand that they are at liberty to experience the sensations at their own pace. This allows the dom and sub to find greater sensual intimacy.
Types Of Soft Doms
It’s worth mentioning that everything is subjective. There isn’t one definitive answer to what makes a soft dom, which can make it pretty confusing to newcomers. Soft and hard are relative to a person’s own preferences and tolerance, not an arbitrary scale of intensity or list of qualities that box them into certain categories.
Take spanking, for instance. For some, it can be considered soft if done in a nurturing way; for others, it can be considered hard if it reminds them of the physical abuse endured in childhood.
That said, any type of play can be applied to soft or hard dominance. It just depends on how it is approached and enacted to the submissive. Likewise, identifying as a soft dom could mean differently for people. Soft dom has become an umbrella term for more specific variations of the gentle giant, some of which are the following:
Service Top
Again, a service top reads oxymoronic at first, but it makes sense once you’ve unpacked the terms separately. The first misconception on our list: tops and bottoms aren’t the same as dominants and submissives. Doms and subs are all about the power dynamic, while tops and bottoms are all about the physical roles in sex. Doms would be the ones given control, subs giving up the control. The tops would be the ones doing the action, the bottom receiving the action.
Service tops are slang in the LGBT community for someone who focuses on giving pleasure to the bottom in their care. In usual cases, the tops are the dominant, the bottoms submissive, but the opposite goes for service tops. (You might have heard the opposite for bottoms, which is generally a more popular term in popular culture: power bottom.)
Here, the focus is on pleasuring the other person rather than trying to dominate them. Why do service tops qualify under soft doms, you ask? They’re dominating in a physical capacity, but the emotional and mental aspect of it is up for debate.
If you think about it, someone could be dominant and still be a service top by giving the sub what they want. Domination isn’t always about your pleasure, but getting what you want. The two are distinct: the person in charge can choose to be selfish or selfless—and a soft dom choosing the latter shouldn’t make someone less of a dom.
The keyword here is servicing others.
Dom Trainer
Dom trainers aren’t soft doms in the way we understand it, but if you think about it, a lot of qualities that dom trainers are expected to embody tend to overlap with that of a soft dom.
There are people who prefer to work with someone of the same dynamic while others like to work with the opposite to gain some insight into the mind, but either way, paying close attention is crucial to make it work. Both take charge in the bedroom, but there’s a unique kind of reassurance that a dom trainer won’t cause you pain or do anything out of your boundaries.
Training, at its most basic, is just teaching someone to do (or not do) what is asked or commanded of them. In the context of BDSM, it’s using a system of rewards and punishments to elicit a certain response or behavior.
Like soft doms, dom trainers put a prime on positive reinforcement. If you’re a newcomer looking to be mentored about BDSM, you wouldn’t want a harsh critic as a guide. You’d want someone you can rely on for guidance and patience. Being a trainer involves listening to newcomer needs, wants, and apprehensions then guiding them accordingly. Pointing them to the right direction is also part of the process.
No kind of training is standardized or universal, but there are certain skills required to be considered a good dom trainer. In fact, some trainers are so good the mentoring set-up evolves into a genuine relationship.
Among the major responsibilities of a trainer is to be consistent and transparent. There should already be a clearly established baseline for what is okay and what is not both in training and in scene before anything can ensue. Otherwise, you risk eroding your subs belief in your ability to train them safely and effectively.
The keyword here is positively reinforcing others.
Pleasure Dom
Pleasure doms are, well, pleasure-oriented, but not to themselves. They will do everything in their power to bring as much pleasure they can to the sub in the form of multiple orgasms. In most cases, pleasure doms will give you even more than you can handle.
This isn’t to say that other kinds of doms are less concerned about the other party’s pleasure. However, a pleasure dom is the ultimate giver. Their existence revolves entirely around it. If a sub isn’t enjoying themselves, then you can bet the pleasure dom isn’t either.
There’s no need for the pleasure dom to experience any sensation in return —pleasuring others is enough to leave them satisfied. It’s often seen as a strength in a pool full of more selfish doms who are primarily—or perhaps mistakenly—after their own sexual gratification.
The role is similar to service tops but instead of doing what is instructed from the bottom, pleasure doms wait for no approval. They go ahead and do what they do best: pleasure the sub in all the ways that they can.
The keyword here is delighting in getting others off.
Daddy Dom
Daddy dom is a term commonly used in the DDLG community, a BDSM relationship where the dominant male plays as a daddy figure while the submissive female plays as a prepubescent girl.
Daddy doms can go in two different ways, taking on the role of either a nurturing or strict caregiver. Either way, daddy doms embody what it means to become a soft dom. As one sub put it, “Feeling safe and protected is a fundamental aspect to my being submissive.”
Of course, daddy doms aren’t just limited to the male gender. In a lot of cases, DDLG can also swap genders and roles, creating a variation of what we call mommy dom.
Other unconventional DDLG dynamics can include the little girl acting as the true dom of the relationship, almost like a spoiled brat who can get away with what they want without punishment.
The keyword here is nurturing others.
But speaking of spoiled brats…
How to Brat to a Soft Dom
Doms are best paired with brats—there’s no doubt about that. Can you imagine what it can do to a soft dom? There’s just something about seeing your soft dom get flushed at your gentle disobedience to them that we can’t resist!
The power exchange is more playful and isn’t done with an end goal of being punished, leaving more room for the dom and sub to enjoy the interaction.
However, bratting can be a little bit trickier with soft doms. There are more boundaries in place that go both ways for the dom and the sub. Think of the Golden Rule every time you’re about to talk back to a soft dom: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Would your soft dom bring up a deep insecurity of yours in bed? Would your soft dom push you to commit acts you never consented to? If not, then they’ll likely appreciate it if you return the favor.
That said, harsher brats might be better off with hard doms. The tendency to walk right over soft doms is high, and at times, soft doms can be too soft and sensitive to deal with the unruliness.
Even if they manage to take it in, soft doms can also be harder to brat because some of them are generally unfazed about most matters. They are less likely to punish brats for misbehaving due to their nature.
Here’s what you can do instead: tease them, break some rules, respond arrogantly or condescendingly, make fun of them when they mispronounce a word, or do things without his permission in bed.
A word of warning: soft doms can be freakishly good at counteracting bratting given how patient they are. You’ll likely end up melting and destroying your act before you know it.
Do You Have What It Takes to Be a Soft Dom?
We’ve laid down all the information at your feet. It’s time to use it wisely. Service top, daddy dom, pleasure dom—whatever variation you are, soft doms are here to stay.
